Break ups...

School: Sweetheart...I have loved every moment spent with you. But our relationship has reached a stage where I need some space. I need to explore new horizons and experience new wonders which being with you cannot give me...I love you but I think we need to see other people...goodbye...

Hobby (the wrong one): Well baby, I was young and I started dating you just because everyone around me found you desirable. But Philately let’s face it...you and I have nothing in common. I still have your pictures...may be I shall gift them to a distant cousin or a friend...someone who can value your true worth... goodbye...

College: Sweetums...I had no idea how wonderful our relationship would turn out to be. The memories we have shared would always be with me bringing a smile to my face when I need it the most. But again we both knew we had just 4 years and then we have to part...forever...goodbye...

Food (that causes an allergic reaction): See darling, you know I love you but I cannot take this abuse any more. I think I deserve to be with someone who does not derive pleasure from scarring me...goodbye...

Organization worked for: Honestly honey, (I’m running out of cheesy endearments!!!) I agreed to be with you because all my well wishers felt you would enrich my life in ways I cannot even think of! But the way you treated me and forced me to move to the only place I had reservations against tells me how much care about me. There were some good times...but nothing can make up for what you did to me in the end. I am sorry...I cannot be with you any more...goodbye...

City: My love...we have been together for ages and there have times when I believed that I cannot live without you. But truly we both know that irreconcilable differences have cropped up between us. Let us part while we still care for each other. I want you to know that a part of me will always love you and wherever I am I shall always say a silent prayer for you every day...bye...

Life: The final break up.

How would this one go?

Would it be over before anyone gets inkling or would it be a bitter long drawn fight?

Would it be calm and peaceful or would it be violent and ugly?

Would it be a much welcome relief or would it be a tearful parting?

...

PS: In Hindu mythology if someone starts a journey in the month of Bhadra...he or she never returns. (Famous as "Agastya yatra") So if someone is born somewhere around the middle of that month does it mean she is immortal? Very scary thought!!!

While we are on this, have you ever noticed how the bad guys (in fictions) from Ravan to Tom Riddle are obsessed about immortality? Poor gods...they had to invent a new loophole every time while granting the wishes.

Funny thing...I have never come across a mythological lady observing penance in the hope of eternal life. Some of the ladies did pray for years...at a stretch!! But they had a very different wish...they wanted a complete man. But back then Raymond not being there the gods again had to concoct heinous excuses to not grant their wishes.

House hunt

I was looking for an apartment to move into. The house owner of one such apartment wanted to meet me and ask a few questions. Here is how the conversation went...

My agent: Please meet “...” (It was an embarrassingly sweet way to refer to me and I am reluctant to share the exact words here.)

House owner and I exchange polite nods.

House owner: Do you have any bad habits? (Queer opening line...isn't it?)

Me: (in my head) That depends on what you consider to be bad.

(aloud) No none...till date.

House owner: Do you suffer from any contagious disease?

Me: (in my head) Does it look like I do?

(aloud) Fortunately no.

House owner: You cannot pursue any illegal business interests while you stay here.

Me: (in my head) I would not tell you if I had such hopes.

(aloud) Not at all. [fake smile]

House owner: Very good. I like you. You are not a trouble maker. (Good that he did not try to confirm this one from my mom.) But before I rent this place out I would need to meet your family.

Me: I’m afraid that would not be possible. They are all back in India.

(I got what he meant but I had plenty of time and was not in the mood for straight answers.)

House owner: But when are they going to fly in?

My agent steps in...

My agent: No no...not to worry. “...” would live here alone. No children, no husband, no boyfriend. (Note the order!)

House owner: Oh! So they are all back in India?

Me: [genuine smile] That would be no...since they do not exist.

House owner: Oh! Single girl. That is excellent. They never create any problem. It’s the men...mostly the bachelor men who...beep beep beep...(to protect the sentiments of the men from receiving some severe blows I had to censor out the bashing that followed.) I don’t want to meet any more tenants. Let’s finalize with her.

House Agent: (Very happily to the house owner)Certainly sir...most certainly.

(To me) So “...”, you can now sleep at night. (I always do...please don’t remind me of my good old nocturnal years...)

Me: Thanks a lot.

House owner: My pleasure. Nice meeting you. You are a good human being. (Queerer closing line...)

Me: (in my head) Too soon to take a call on that...

(Countenance) Another fake smile...the best that I could pull off.

Second use of shades

You are an adult so crying profusely in front of strangers is certainly not acceptable.

You do not want to look vulnerable so even a single drop of tear is also not acceptable.

You can weep into the pillow only at night and unfortunately the day has just started.

But you need to let out a drop or else your grieving heart might break…

Sunglasses to the rescue…behind their protective dark shade let the drop roll down and take away some load off your heart…

Sorry people...I probably have bored you to death with the rantings...

Here is a compensatory third use…

You can check out pretty girls / hunky dudes (as is applicable for you) through your tinted glasses without letting the other person realize your evil intentions. Winks!

PS: Just for the record...I use shades for the first use only. The unsolicited advice is for you.

Misfortune

She had a long list of things to do. She was trying to figure out where to start from…and was also trying her best to suppress the rising voice inside her screaming “You are sooooooooooo incompetent.” Suddenly she saw a familiar face rushing towards her. May be she should ask for some advice...

The person had reached her (a little out of breath from the running). The person gave a big smile and said, “Welcome back, you are misfortune.”

A moment…

Then the brazen insult hit her like a physical blow.

She could feel her facial muscles contort and knot themselves up into a tight frown.

She could feel blood shoot up to her cheeks almost threatening to set her face on fire.

She could feel herself slipping into the defense mode with her severely bruised ego taking precedence over all other sane emotions.

And then it began.

“You ran down a flight of stairs, jostled past people to tell me THIS? You hardly know me…yet you think passing a cruel comment about me would be absolutely ok? You could have at least kept your opinions to yourself. Tell me, what good would come out of THIS? This is unfair, unacceptable, unjustifiable…”

She had to pause…she was gasping for breath.

The person had a confused...and embarrassed...and apologetic countenance.

“Er…I meant Miss…(pause)…Fortune.

Last time you were here a lot many good things had happened…so…”

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

PS: Such misfortunes…seldom come along.

Elections

Why can’t I just cast my vote online?

Let's just create a website...we already are in the process of generating the Indian equivalent of social security numbers…so we can get the databases from Nandan, generate one-time-only passwords and enable the online voting process. So smooth and so elegant.

Lousy idea??? Ok…let’s try it once…and let's start from the ward where I am supposed to exercise my voting right. (Is it a right? Is it a responsibility? Is it a headache? Who can tell...)

No…instead I have to stand in the unrelenting sun (I absolutely loathe the tropical sun.) in an endless queue and wait for my turn to feel insignificant. (I do not suffer from megalomania but I would to like to take a decision that has a weightage significantly more than one billionth).

Do you know what is the worst part about the elections?

Unrest? No.

Violence? No.

Rigging? No.

Bad decisions? No.

Worse traffic? No.

It’s the ink that they dab on your finger.

Let me share a trick that I use (learnt from someone whose name is better kept confidential at the moment).

Plan: Put lots of nail polish on your fingernail of a transparent shade and you are ready to vote.

Flaw in the plan: They pour too much of that indelible ink on your finger…it drips and colours the skin under your nail. Just imagine…no… just think (we cannot imagine…for reference check this) how mortifying it is to walk around with a dirty nail for months.

Correction incorporated...

Flawless plan: Dip the whole fingertip in transparent nail paint (and let it dry) and brave the ugly ink.

A little bit of nail paint remover afterwards and you get back your clean finger.

Every one is welcome to try this out the next time you vote (which means tomorrow for some people). Men included. (Just call me when you are painting your nail…I want to take a picture.)

PS: I know I could go to jail for writing this and you…well…you could go to hell for breaking my trust and turning me in.

Jinxing...

We are still glowing from the empathic win in the World Cup. Have you ever thought about the pains every one has willingly embraced to script this?

Earlier I have seen people sit in a particular chair or hold a particularly weird pose to influence wins but this time it had reached epic proportions.

One guy had stepped out of his home to shoo away an errant cat (The error here being trespassing into the guy’s house without prior permission) and India had to hit a boundary at that unfortunate (unfortunate for the guy) moment. He had to spend the rest of the match sitting outside listening to the over zealous commentary.

Another guy had chosen to take a loo break during another twist (positive twist) and his wife made him stay there for the entire match. (Whew! Some wife…)

Well…they do not mind their sacrifices…they did it for a cause!

I personally do not believe in jinxes. I do wear blue when Italy plays (soccer) but that is just to show my support. (And given the current form of the Italian team even Berlusconi himself would not be able to jinx them into a win.)

My personal favourite jinx is the one from the chronicles of Narnia…something good happens when you stop expecting it to happen. But even that has turned out to be wrong on a number of occasions and with immense faith in statistics I have stopped believing in that one too.

And during the World Cup I had tried reverse jinxing on all my friends. It’s good that India has ultimately won…else I would have long been identified as the root cause of India’s dubious defeat (trust me no body would have accepted it as a clean match) and would have been cremated and my soul would have been resting in peace or rotting in hell (I do not fancy any of the options…and no…I do not encourage you to suggest one).

We come and we go…in between we can only have whatever is there for us…not a bite less…not a bite more. If it is chocolate ice-cream for you no amount of jinxing would get you vanilla. But do not start to crib without tasting the chocolate ice-cream…some times destiny is a better writer than you yourself.

PS: Some people are abstaining from watching KKR matches trying to influence wins and supposedly if you write about it…the spell would not work! Looks like my days are numbered...