House hunt

I was looking for an apartment to move into. The house owner of one such apartment wanted to meet me and ask a few questions. Here is how the conversation went...

My agent: Please meet “...” (It was an embarrassingly sweet way to refer to me and I am reluctant to share the exact words here.)

House owner and I exchange polite nods.

House owner: Do you have any bad habits? (Queer opening line...isn't it?)

Me: (in my head) That depends on what you consider to be bad.

(aloud) No none...till date.

House owner: Do you suffer from any contagious disease?

Me: (in my head) Does it look like I do?

(aloud) Fortunately no.

House owner: You cannot pursue any illegal business interests while you stay here.

Me: (in my head) I would not tell you if I had such hopes.

(aloud) Not at all. [fake smile]

House owner: Very good. I like you. You are not a trouble maker. (Good that he did not try to confirm this one from my mom.) But before I rent this place out I would need to meet your family.

Me: I’m afraid that would not be possible. They are all back in India.

(I got what he meant but I had plenty of time and was not in the mood for straight answers.)

House owner: But when are they going to fly in?

My agent steps in...

My agent: No no...not to worry. “...” would live here alone. No children, no husband, no boyfriend. (Note the order!)

House owner: Oh! So they are all back in India?

Me: [genuine smile] That would be no...since they do not exist.

House owner: Oh! Single girl. That is excellent. They never create any problem. It’s the men...mostly the bachelor men who...beep beep beep...(to protect the sentiments of the men from receiving some severe blows I had to censor out the bashing that followed.) I don’t want to meet any more tenants. Let’s finalize with her.

House Agent: (Very happily to the house owner)Certainly sir...most certainly.

(To me) So “...”, you can now sleep at night. (I always do...please don’t remind me of my good old nocturnal years...)

Me: Thanks a lot.

House owner: My pleasure. Nice meeting you. You are a good human being. (Queerer closing line...)

Me: (in my head) Too soon to take a call on that...

(Countenance) Another fake smile...the best that I could pull off.