I Learned That...

1. Maturity is just another word for numbness. You realize with age that some dreams will never come true…accepting that and moving on is maturity; going high and clinging to Pink Floyd is numbness. You can also have the third option of creating new dreams but most people will call you crazy.

2. Having a kid will increase your patience by 100 times…wait, make that 1000 times. And yes, it’s the only way to learn what unconditional love is.

3. Sympathy in times of sickness is unfortunately inversely proportional to the age of the ailing person. It is very important to stay healthy because a day will come when no one will have the time to care for you.

4. Being unconventional has become the new convention nowadays; you will see rebels all around you but dig down and you will find no real cause!

5. “Why me” sounds a lot like “whiny”. Since, partiality feels good if done in favour of you…so it is better not to complain at other times.

6. A crime repeated several times will eventually become legal. We must put all our efforts into arresting crimes while we still have time.

7. It is not true that secure people do not need validation. Robots do not need validation, all human beings need them.

8. Love is the indeed the single most important aspect of life. You are really a very lucky fellow if you have got that aspect all sorted out.

9. The present moments, the ones that you often crib about, might be the best moments of your life. There is a chance that life will get only downhill from here. Keep that probability in mind and cherish the good moments while they last.

If You Stand out in a Crowd I Have Got Bad News for You

India is a country famous for its unity in diversity. Going beyond the immense hypocrisy hidden behind the word “unity” we have to respect the fact that India is indeed home to a colourful mix of cultures; all of them equally patriotic or equally cynical about being an Indian.

There was a time when Bengalees, Punjabis, Gujaratis and Tamils had their individual dressing styles, food styles, life styles, etc. But now thanks to globalization often it becomes hard to identify one’s ethnicity at first glance. Cross community marriages are happening in every other family and Indians are approaching towards a harmonic mean (yes, pun intended). The inter-cultural divides are gradually getting blurred.

Am I actually cribbing about this wonderful change where communities are embracing each other with a comforting sense of alacrity? No. A vehement no. But I do miss the originality of each different culture which somehow I found to be refreshing.

Also, I do wonder whether we structured this change or are we a victim of some cosmic plan that directs us all to reach the median value?

In geometry we learnt that as polygons increase their number of sides they move towards becoming a circle.

Our weather too, once offering exciting extremes of biting cold and parching heat is now progressing towards a warm tropical climate all over.

We can never find a single example of randomness in the universe…because the universal law wants our behaviour to remain within the confines of a precise mathematical formula.

Do you get the drift? Nature does not like any one to stand out. Nature does not want her children to be mottled with different shades. If you are different from others cosmic designs will try to annihilate you.

Hey non conformist, don’t blame the people and the society. The society likes you, the society respects you and even though it openly criticizes you it secretly wants more people like you. You make our lives interesting; you are the inspiration to break free from monotony. But alas the price you pay is too high…the price is sheer obliteration…and most people cannot afford that.

Birth of nature

Once upon a time long ago there was a kingdom called Utopia ruled by a wonderful king called Equality. King Equality was loved by all his subjects for his fair rules and just treatment. One day the king went for hunting into the woods along with his friends. He was trotting on his horse when he spotted a herd of deer passing by. The king aimed for the fastest deer but at that fateful moment a bright light shone into his eyes and Equality was distracted. As he looked for the source of light he saw that it was reflecting off the earrings of the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Princess Perfection had come for a picnic on the same day. As the prince and the princess locked their eyes they felt a sudden rush of uncontrollable emotions…they fell in love.

The very next day Equality married Perfection. Every one in the kingdom came to attend the grand royal wedding. People showered their blessings on the new couple and extended their wishes for a great life together. The newly married king and queen had a vision for their kingdom. They restructured the place on the principles of Equality and Perfection. The result was the most beautiful kingdom that could ever be.

The streets were wide and polished and at perfect right angles. All the buildings were shaped like regular polygons with architectural perfection. The trees were of equal height with equal number of leaves and the leaves were perfectly shaped and vibrantly coloured. All the people had enough money to live peaceful lives and the meals were equally delicious and wholesome in all the homes.

After a year a baby boy was born to the king and the queen. All the subjects came to shower their blessings on the newborn prince. He was named Happiness. Years passed by smoothly and the king and the queen ran the kingdom with unbelievable accuracy and efficiency. Happiness also grew up gradually, ran around and played about. Happiness visited every home and life flourished in the kingdom like never before.

But there were a few subjects who became a little offended with their reduced importance. They formed a group and left the kingdom. Poverty, Affluence, Hatred, Rage, Misery and Jealousy walked out and went on to build their own kingdom.

People were extremely joyous to see these snooty guys leave their much loved kingdom and thought life would be even better. The homes of these guys were left empty and some people from other kingdoms allured by the superior quality of life came house hunting. One of them was Boredom. He loved the all the aspects of the kingdom. No variety, no problem, no challenge, no change and a permanent and smooth flow of life pervading all over the kingdom. Boredom bought a mansion and settled down in the kingdom of Equality and Perfection.

Happiness could not get along with Boredom. He started losing the spring in his step, the twinkle in his eyes, the joy in his heart. He started visiting a pub in another kingdom to seek solace from the mind numbing Boredom. Then he met a girl called Problems who came up with interesting situations that Happiness loved solving. Gradually they became drawn towards each other. No one approved of their love so Happiness decided to run away with Problems and start a life far away where no one would be able to trace them. They got married in the wilderness blessed by the sun, the moon and the stars.

After a few years of passionate marriage they had a daughter called Nature. Nature grew up with a very independent attitude. She became an accommodating nurturer who had a place for all in her large heart. She was not judgemental and wanted to let every one live according their wishes.

One day her grandparents tracked her down and came to meet her. They wanted her to be the new queen and to take charge of their kingdom Utopia. Nature went to visit her ancestral kingdom with a lot of excitement and anticipation in her heart. But within a few days she felt suffocated within the confines of the rigid rules. One day she was sitting in the royal garden hiding her head in her hands and sobbing softly. Suddenly she heard the sound of galloping horses and felt a rush of strong wind into her face. She looked up and saw a rugged silhouette coming in her direction. She looked at him with wide eyed amazement and slowly asked, “Who are you?”

He said, “I am Freedom. I have come here to take you with me because your happiness lies with me. So come with me beautiful Nature and we will live in the most wonderful kingdom that ever was.”

Nature never liked to think much. She acted on her impulse and extended her hand towards Freedom. She eloped with Freedom and went away to live her own life in the kingdom of Freedom. The name of the kingdom was Earth.

Chauvinism is often promoted by the urban female

MCP --- Male Chauvinist Pig…jokingly or seriously we often label a man MCP. But have we women looked at ourselves? How we continuously encourage chauvinism and then cry out aloud for discrimination?

Let me share an instance from my college days --- We often celebrated birthdays by cutting cakes in the class. A girl once very candidly suggested that the girls should sacrifice and hand out the bigger pieces to the boys. I think the rule was that when you serve something you keep the smallest helping for yourself irrespective of gender. But this girl felt that boys by virtue of their “superior” gender should get the bigger pieces. [In case you are wondering…no, I am not fat and don’t crave cakes. It’s solely the discrimination and not the scrumptiousness of the cake that hurt me. J]

I went to study in a coeducational institution. And never ever have I come across a boy who treated girls as lesser beings. When a girl topped a class not a single boy felt bad about being overtaken by a “lesser mortal” Competition existed…a competition among equals in a healthy way. But outside the school mothers often were heard defending their boys’ bad score. “Boys do not study…they tend to be more intelligent but they neglect their studies and hence the bad grades. Girls are basically stupid…but they put in hours of studies and hence the good grades.”

Thankfully I never heard a single boy use this excuse. The urban Indian male mostly attaches similar status to each gender. [Well it started from the time of Vidyasagar and later Raja Rammohan Roy who thought it would be unfair to leave the women illiterate and even more unfair to burn them alive.]

The rule of Sati is yet to be abolished completely. Even today women openly say that the value of a woman’s life is less than that of a man. A woman is told to follow rituals to ensure her husband’s well being while her own health can go to hell. This stink of chauvinism is more prominent in the (n-1)th generation of females. India is a country heavily biased towards men. Fortunately things are changing. But in a country where once wives used to be burnt alive after the husband had passed away you would need time for things to improve. A lot of time. Several generations. You would see that each generation of women enjoy better privileges than the preceding one. And unfortunately that is the very thing which women take as a reason to bicker about.

The responsibility lies with us, the women of the current generation to take a vow that we will not compare the girls of the next generation with ourselves. We are fighting a battle…a battle to win equality and if we see the next generation girls an inch closer to that equality then we should feel happy and not threatened…happy that our lives have not been wasted…happy that our battle is nearing its end.

The masked words

It was a big day for the family. The newest member had come home from the hospital. Every one surrounding the little baby was busy showering heaps of praises on her. Some said the shape of her nails suggest remarkable wisdom. Some said the way her lips quivered signifies a future nightingale. Every thing about the baby extracted some superlative from the family members. The domestic aid Malati too came rushing by. After managing to squeeze her diminutive frame through the tightly formed circle of family members she got a glimpse of the baby’s face. The baby contorted her face into some expression which Malati imagined to be a smile. Her heart filled up with joy. She too had become a mother three years back and ever since the sight of little babies aroused in her a sensation of boundless joy. “She is so pretty...she looks so similar to my baby,” she commented.

Sudden silence descended in the room.

The entire family swung around, their eyebrows knit in annoyance. How on earth could she compare the appearance of their beloved child with that of her own child?

The mothers in the room should have known that Malati had just given the child the biggest compliment that she was capable of…she had just called the child perfect.

The father's perspective

The child (who is now a grown up working in another town) is going to be home for a few days. The tantrums of teenage and the rebellions of early twenties are a thing of the past now. Distance has surprisingly made the child value his parents more than the past. The father is excitedly shopping for the favourite food items and the mother is busy with the culinary arrangements.

Finally the moment arrives when the child lands in the airport. Both the parents are equally excited but the child runs into the arms of the mother. After being ignored for full 15 minutes the father gets a nod from the child and an almost formal “How are you dad?”

The ride to home begins. Again the father tries to join in. But he has never been a conversationalist and fails to blend in. Moreover the child does not show much interest in sharing the details with him. Pained he looks out of the window admiring the trees as he has done for the past 25 years.

When lunch is served the father again puts forth another desperate attempt. “Isn’t the meat tender? What about the cauliflowers? And the ghee? I bought them from your favourite stores.” The answer he gets is “Yes daddy…they are all so delicious...you have no idea how much I have missed mommy’s cooking.”

After lunch the child unpacks and hands out a saree to his mother. He has brought a shirt for his father too. The father very happily accepts it only to notice that it had been bought by his wife who knew that as always that he would be forgotten and tried to protect his feelings.

Agonized the father retires to his room. The child does not dislike him but neither does he hold the post of confidante in his life. What did he do wrong? He was happy when the child was born. He had suppressed his mild resentment when his wife’s attention was stolen from him. He had slogged at a job he did not like to provide for the child. Yes he did not attend to the child for 24 hours during the formative years and yes his love for the child is no match for the overwhelming love that his wife harboured for the child. But in his own way he had loved his child and the emotional distance created despite that perplexed him.

Suddenly he heard raised voices from the bedroom. The mother and the child were fighting over something. Sensing an opportunity the father rushed in. Both of them hushed up at his sight. “What are you fighting over?” “Nothing,” said the child but the tone suggested “None of your business.” “Whatever it is you have my support” the father made another try. “Yeah, I know” the child replied in a monotone.

Hanging his head the father waddled back to his room and ensconced himself in solitude. He sighed and closed his eyes. May be if he tried harder he would be able to suppress the hurt. 

The pleas

Don’t uproot me, please don’t uproot me,

Let me breathe and let me be…

Some whims the world has, some my own;

Some you like, some you do not.

If I hold on to the ones I like

Will you turn away and leave me to rot?

There are storms to bear

And deserts to see.

But please do not suffocate me in a forest

To protect me.

Don’t uproot me, please don’t uproot me,

If you want me to live then let me be…

The future of relationships

Let’s accept it. The present does not look too appealing as far as modern relationships are considered.

People are increasingly growing comfortable in their own space and the entry of any intruder into this private space is looked upon with contempt. The search for an ideal mate consequently has become very challenging. In fact many people willingly choose to remain single for life. While this is not a bad idea these people also miss out on consortium. They are ready to settle down provided they find the exact person they have in mind.

This perpetually single lifestyle often does not suit people. They miss the availability of sex, the pleasure of permanent partnership, the shared midnight sobs about life’s failures and other things that technically come under spousal comforts.

So what do you do when you do not like whatever is available? You go for something custom made.

And that’s exactly what our future generations would do.

Soon every one would have a genetically engineered spouse custom made to suit the needs of the modern man and woman. And if they get bored with the outcome they can always request for a tweak in the chromosomes to bring about the desired changes. In short a relationship with a person made to appease their own set of idiosyncrasies…the perfect relationship.

What??? Getting judgemental? That’s the way it has always been…the older generations can never appreciate the changes. If you are finding it too weird it just confirms that they would find it too alluring.  

Why wives get furious about porn…

No two women are similar. Even the most accomplished womanizer cannot claim to have an exhaustive knowledge of the female psyche. Still I am taking the risk of making a broad classification of married women based on their reaction about porn.

Type 1: They are the ones who condemn the act of copulation.  They do not like to have sex and they only sleep with their husbands to complete their spousal duty. It’s no wonder that they get furious if and when they catch their husbands treating themselves with porn.

Type 2: They are the possessive ones. They enjoy their time between the sheets and cannot stand the fact that her guy still feels like watching porn when she has already given him the real experience. She takes it as a personal defeat and gets mad at the erring husband. [There is a little bit of this type lurking in all women actually.]

Type 3: They are the ones with a will to explore options. They enjoy watching porn and have their own personal collection. These women like to watch and enact later. They get furious if their men do not share porn time with them.

Type 4: They are the very unfortunate ones who are married to boring men with low libido. These women get furious because they keep hoping that their men would watch porn and learn some new tricks but never ever does that wish come true.

PS: Don't worry if you fail to categorize your woman...told you it is difficult to foray into the dark alleys of her mysterious mind.

Bengali Valentine's Day

So Saraswati puja is around the corner and the clichéd “Saraswati puja is Bengali Valentine's day” phrase is doing the rounds. I’m not religious enough to take offense at the mention of love on a holy occasion but the comparison is probably not valid in today’s context.

May be one or two generations back when male-female interactions were largely prohibited puja times had acted as an excuse for free mingling. But nowadays children are raised in a different manner. They study in coeducational institutions, they play in mixed groups and no one raises an eyebrow if a girl and a boy are found interacting.

Saraswati puja thus is no longer the much needed bridge between girls and boys. It definitely is an excuse for the teenagers to dress up like grown ups and feel good about it. It definitely is an excuse to have the delicious prasad and lunch. But it no longer qualifies as an excuse for random flirting.

However I feel that the best part about Saraswati puja is the irrevocable license to not study. [For those of you are unaware of the tradition: Saraswati puja is the worship of the goddess of knowledge and ironically people are not allowed to study on this day.]

Every one who has ever been a student has immensely enjoyed this study curfew.

Sometimes the work shirker inside my bengali self wishes that the job sectors had similar no work policies…sigh...

Cats vs dogs

The dog lovers’ community largely outnumbers the cat lovers’ community. I can safely say that I belong to none. I have never longed for a pet nor do I belong to the throw-stones-at-animals club. When it comes to animals I choose to take Buddha’s middle path ie be kind to them but no need to keep them at home and clean up their poop.

Coming back to today’s contest…a lot has been said about the selfishness of cats and the unconditional love of dogs. Some superficial people also argue in the lines of “Cats are cuter”/”Dogs are cuter” when you ask them which is better but we shall not veer into those lines today.

Going by the opinion of the majority we can assume that dogs are indeed more friendly and loyal. But is there no one else apart from me who admires the attitude of the cats? Right from the graceful “devil-may-care” walk, the indifferent scowl and the “I’m obliging you” glance, every thing about the feline attitude impresses me. A cat, I feel, effuses elegance and independence.

In contrast think about a dog’s tail wagging, tongue hanging and propensity to begging. The canine nature is very servile and dogs are always more than willing to please us human beings. Dogs are definitely more social. They flatter us and we tend to love them more.

But may be subconsciously we all respect the nose-in-air attitude of the cats. It's very easy to find a dog who loves his master but it's very hard to find a cat who would accept you as the master. And that is why we have numerous profanities involving dogs but almost none regarding cats.

Hugs and kisses

Let the title not confuse you…expect no mush from this article. In fact today we are going to voice our aversion for hugs and kisses.

Nowadays some people find it very normal to greet you with a hug and the oh-so-fancy air kiss. Well…some of us find it very annoying.

This is not an issue of cultural or societal changes. This is an issue of lack of judgement.

Admitted that some people find it very normal and they only try to express their friendly wishes. But the person on the recipient end might not appreciate it. We should take a little while to ponder whether a hug is welcome or not.

For instance, some of us think hugs are only acceptable from people from whom we expect carnal or filial love. We would much rather have other people greeting us on a verbal level. 

So that is all for today…we are just people who do not like their personal space to be intruded into. We are not alleging any thing, we are not doubting your well meant intentions…we just expect you to not assume that every body thinks alike. If a person never initiates a hug it is better to not greet them with one.

Adarshya Bharatiya Nari and the myth of the robust Indian marriage

Are you a female? Has anyone ever insulted you by calling you an Adarshya Bharatiya Nari (The Ideal Indian Woman)? Yes…you read that right. It is an insult and not a compliment. It is another way of calling you a wimp who cannot stand up to her own rights because that is the kind of value system India fosters for women.

A few years back funny man Mir was cracking marital jokes and as usual he had his audience in stitches. My mother was visibly perturbed. She did not like the fact that domineering wives and hen pecked husbands had become the content of Mir’s jokes. “There should be some jokes about atrocious husbands and docile wives too”, she remarked. I told that her that such plots would be the content of news channels and not comedy shows because jokes cannot be about real problems.

They say that Indian marriages are rock solid and the ideal Indian women are the stabilizing factor behind marriages and the gullible Indian ladies happily accept the role of playing the second fiddle in her husband’s life.

In the west men and women get equal privileges in a marriage. I admit that they have their own problems but at least they do not make a pathetic charade out of their marriages.

Several Indian marriages are unhappy but people just continue with it. Indian girls are brought up that way; subconsciously society ingrains into a girl’s psyche that a good wife’s role is solely to please her husband and sacrifice her own wishes.

Even today an unmarried girl is looked upon with pity. “She found no takers?? That’s rough.” No matter how much accomplished she is, the possibility of the girl herself not wanting to be chained down does not feature in the list.

In India a girl is always a commodity. Ever been to a Hindu marriage? The girl’s father transfers the ownership to the groom. Some pretty insulting verses are chanted in Sanskrit by the two men during the process in the name of tradition. [The father has to beg his would be son-in-law to take the girl…all said in Sanskrit to conceal the indignity of the act]  The girl’s consent is not asked for even once. Yet we continue with the custom.

Indian marriages do not have much hope for the girl from the onset. Every one knows it. A very obvious proof is that the girl always cries…not the tears of joy…real tears of sorrow while leaving her home. Again that’s not the way it’s supposed to happen…in the west we see the bride insanely happy. For them marriage means happiness and not compromise.

We can’t really blame the complacence of the Indian men. With rampant cases of rapes, wife beatings and women’s humiliations around most Indian husbands feel that they are giving a royal treatment to their wives. The question of guaranteeing equal rights does not even occur to them.

And yet we stupidly hope to eradicate female foeticide. It’s natural for every parent to hope for a son…their child is precious to them…in a country like India they would want it to have the edge of being a male.

So ladies…do continue to be apologetic about your basic rights, do continue to succumb under the societal pressures, and do continue to curb your own wishes…after all the legacy of continuing the myth of the robust Indian marriage lies safe in your hands.