Chronic problems

We are all people affected with severe mental problems.

We like each other when the sets of our afflictions are intersecting.

We call each other names (rarely aloud) and head separate ways when the sets are disjoint.

Let us look into some today...I will follow the ladies first rule.

(Why do I support ladies first policy? Topic for some other day...till then do not offer the shallow reason of "because you are one.")

List for women:

The mirror-mirror-on-the-wall syndrome:

Put 5 pretty girls in a room...give them a thousand interesting activities to do. While they are on the apparently interesting jobs they are actually quantifying the beauty of each other...feature by feature...attribute by attribute...in so detailed an analysis that would put the analytical powers of Barney Stinson to shame.

All pretty girls suffer from this.

The Rapunzel syndrome:

A haircut can never be perfect. No matter how many compliments (and covert stares and some blatant stares) she gets... when she hits the bed at night she is bound to shed a few drops of tears in the memory of the lost length.

Most girls suffer from this.

[Rapunzel's prince climbed up her hair to reach her instead of asking her to jump to the safe refuge of his arms... which brings us to the very disturbing conclusion that either Rapunzel was fat or the prince was underweight or both. ]

The Beauty-and-the-beast-remains-beast syndrome:

“Don’t die beast...I love you” And the beast turns into a charming prince in the arms of blushing Beauty and they live happily ever after. But wait...what if the beast did not transform? Beauty did not know that he was a cursed prince when she implored him to live and professed her love for him. Of course Beauty did want the beast to live...no doubt in that part. So what would she have done if the beast continued to look like a beast? Very simple damage control strategy to be adopted. She would have added 3 more words after “I love you”....which are “as a brother”.

All girls suffer from this.

List for men:

The Superman syndrome:

Obsession with speed. Slow and steady could give a hollow win but fast and reckless would make the journey more interesting and only a win that way would be a satiating.

Men high on adrenaline suffer from this.

I’m-Atlas-when-I-play-syndrome:

Men are ready to shoulder unthinkable responsibilities when it comes to sports! Whenever they play they change to Lionel Messi or Kaka or Tendulkar or Federer or Nadal...you get it...the match winner. Funnily no man ever thinks himself to be an Italian defender while playing which is understandable because men love to go after what is yet to be conquered rather than protecting what already belongs to them!

Most men suffer from this.

The Eve-came-from-Adam’s-rib syndrome:

Men can’t stand losing to a woman. Yes if the man is insanely in love with a woman then he might but that is an “I let her win” kind of situation so it doesn’t count. What if a woman wins fair and square? It is ok only if the win comes in something that is considered a woman’s job...like...(no I’m not going to give any example...if a feminist stumbles here I would be dead.)

All men suffer from this.

The world is an asylum...life is the course of rehabilitation...we seldom give up old syndromes...but pick up new ones with overwhelming alacrity...may be falling ill is better than both prevention and cure.

PS: Ever wondered why there is there no word called masculinist?

Ponder ponder...

Lost in translation!!!

The other day I had bought a carton of milk which screamed "Susu Segar" in the local language. "Segar" sounds close to sugar so by method of elimination I had concluded that "susu" must mean milk. But I needed a confirmation on this. I refuse to stay in ignorance/doubt when it comes to such issues. I don’t know the latest mission of NASA, I don’t know the last sanctions imposed by the UN, I don’t know how much we owe the IMF and World Bank but this I had to find out…

So the next day when I met my local friend by the water cooler I clarified by doubt.

Me: Hey...good morning! (I said in the local tongue.)

Water Cooler buddy: Good morning!!! (with her usual warm smile)

Me: So in your language "susu" means milk?

WCB: Yes…correct.

Me: And "segar" must mean sugar? You see I bought some milk yesterday and the carton read "susu segar". I am assuming it meant sweetened milk.

WCB: Oh! You poor girl…you are worried about your figure. You think drinking sweetened susu would make you fat. (Yeah right...like that's the part to worry about.) Haha…but no…"segar" does not mean sugar. It means fresh. You are drinking fresh susu…very good for your health.

Me: Oh! That’s sooooooo reassuring. Drinking stale "susu" would not be such a good idea.

WCB: So you like drinking susu?

Me: Err…I am not too fond of…of it… (I could not bring myself to say it.)

WCB: But you just said you bought a carton???

Me: Yes…I needed the mmm…the "ingredient" for my custard.

WCB: Oh! Right…susu can make the desserts very delectable…

Me: My friends are going to love this…when they would hear that I actually pay money for susu. In my country you can get it for free.

WCB: Really?

Me: Nope…am kidding. There’s a man who’s famous because he drank susu every day though… (Yes…Morarji Desai...I know he did other commendable things...but the strangest one catches our fancy...isn't it?)

WCB: (Puzzled) Here every one drinks susu…

Me: Of course…why not…

In my childhood my parents had to force me to drink…er…milk. (couldn’t say it again) [May be deep down I knew that this day would come and hence used to refuse to take milk as a kid...]

WCB: Tell your mother that you are drinking susu every day. She will be happy.

(That is one of the many things my mom does not want to hear from me…)

Me: Yeah I will tell her. Well…catch you later…need to go back to work now.

WCB: Bye…

And as I turned around ready to work with a rejuvenated mind I saw a guy from India standing right behind us with a smile on his face.

I was taken aback for a while.

Then I told myself the following 3 things…

1. He could be smiling thinking of some other thing…
2. Even if he had heard me…eavesdropping was, is and will always be a sign of bad manners.
3. When in doubt about 2 possible situations choose to believe the one that suits you.

And I walked back to my seat with a straight face and a light heart.

PS: My sincerest apologies to you if you were in the middle of a meal/snack while reading this. May I offer you some compensatory chocolates? Don’t worry they are dark…not milk!

Break ups...

School: Sweetheart...I have loved every moment spent with you. But our relationship has reached a stage where I need some space. I need to explore new horizons and experience new wonders which being with you cannot give me...I love you but I think we need to see other people...goodbye...

Hobby (the wrong one): Well baby, I was young and I started dating you just because everyone around me found you desirable. But Philately let’s face it...you and I have nothing in common. I still have your pictures...may be I shall gift them to a distant cousin or a friend...someone who can value your true worth... goodbye...

College: Sweetums...I had no idea how wonderful our relationship would turn out to be. The memories we have shared would always be with me bringing a smile to my face when I need it the most. But again we both knew we had just 4 years and then we have to part...forever...goodbye...

Food (that causes an allergic reaction): See darling, you know I love you but I cannot take this abuse any more. I think I deserve to be with someone who does not derive pleasure from scarring me...goodbye...

Organization worked for: Honestly honey, (I’m running out of cheesy endearments!!!) I agreed to be with you because all my well wishers felt you would enrich my life in ways I cannot even think of! But the way you treated me and forced me to move to the only place I had reservations against tells me how much care about me. There were some good times...but nothing can make up for what you did to me in the end. I am sorry...I cannot be with you any more...goodbye...

City: My love...we have been together for ages and there have times when I believed that I cannot live without you. But truly we both know that irreconcilable differences have cropped up between us. Let us part while we still care for each other. I want you to know that a part of me will always love you and wherever I am I shall always say a silent prayer for you every day...bye...

Life: The final break up.

How would this one go?

Would it be over before anyone gets inkling or would it be a bitter long drawn fight?

Would it be calm and peaceful or would it be violent and ugly?

Would it be a much welcome relief or would it be a tearful parting?

...

PS: In Hindu mythology if someone starts a journey in the month of Bhadra...he or she never returns. (Famous as "Agastya yatra") So if someone is born somewhere around the middle of that month does it mean she is immortal? Very scary thought!!!

While we are on this, have you ever noticed how the bad guys (in fictions) from Ravan to Tom Riddle are obsessed about immortality? Poor gods...they had to invent a new loophole every time while granting the wishes.

Funny thing...I have never come across a mythological lady observing penance in the hope of eternal life. Some of the ladies did pray for years...at a stretch!! But they had a very different wish...they wanted a complete man. But back then Raymond not being there the gods again had to concoct heinous excuses to not grant their wishes.

House hunt

I was looking for an apartment to move into. The house owner of one such apartment wanted to meet me and ask a few questions. Here is how the conversation went...

My agent: Please meet “...” (It was an embarrassingly sweet way to refer to me and I am reluctant to share the exact words here.)

House owner and I exchange polite nods.

House owner: Do you have any bad habits? (Queer opening line...isn't it?)

Me: (in my head) That depends on what you consider to be bad.

(aloud) No none...till date.

House owner: Do you suffer from any contagious disease?

Me: (in my head) Does it look like I do?

(aloud) Fortunately no.

House owner: You cannot pursue any illegal business interests while you stay here.

Me: (in my head) I would not tell you if I had such hopes.

(aloud) Not at all. [fake smile]

House owner: Very good. I like you. You are not a trouble maker. (Good that he did not try to confirm this one from my mom.) But before I rent this place out I would need to meet your family.

Me: I’m afraid that would not be possible. They are all back in India.

(I got what he meant but I had plenty of time and was not in the mood for straight answers.)

House owner: But when are they going to fly in?

My agent steps in...

My agent: No no...not to worry. “...” would live here alone. No children, no husband, no boyfriend. (Note the order!)

House owner: Oh! So they are all back in India?

Me: [genuine smile] That would be no...since they do not exist.

House owner: Oh! Single girl. That is excellent. They never create any problem. It’s the men...mostly the bachelor men who...beep beep beep...(to protect the sentiments of the men from receiving some severe blows I had to censor out the bashing that followed.) I don’t want to meet any more tenants. Let’s finalize with her.

House Agent: (Very happily to the house owner)Certainly sir...most certainly.

(To me) So “...”, you can now sleep at night. (I always do...please don’t remind me of my good old nocturnal years...)

Me: Thanks a lot.

House owner: My pleasure. Nice meeting you. You are a good human being. (Queerer closing line...)

Me: (in my head) Too soon to take a call on that...

(Countenance) Another fake smile...the best that I could pull off.

Second use of shades

You are an adult so crying profusely in front of strangers is certainly not acceptable.

You do not want to look vulnerable so even a single drop of tear is also not acceptable.

You can weep into the pillow only at night and unfortunately the day has just started.

But you need to let out a drop or else your grieving heart might break…

Sunglasses to the rescue…behind their protective dark shade let the drop roll down and take away some load off your heart…

Sorry people...I probably have bored you to death with the rantings...

Here is a compensatory third use…

You can check out pretty girls / hunky dudes (as is applicable for you) through your tinted glasses without letting the other person realize your evil intentions. Winks!

PS: Just for the record...I use shades for the first use only. The unsolicited advice is for you.

Misfortune

She had a long list of things to do. She was trying to figure out where to start from…and was also trying her best to suppress the rising voice inside her screaming “You are sooooooooooo incompetent.” Suddenly she saw a familiar face rushing towards her. May be she should ask for some advice...

The person had reached her (a little out of breath from the running). The person gave a big smile and said, “Welcome back, you are misfortune.”

A moment…

Then the brazen insult hit her like a physical blow.

She could feel her facial muscles contort and knot themselves up into a tight frown.

She could feel blood shoot up to her cheeks almost threatening to set her face on fire.

She could feel herself slipping into the defense mode with her severely bruised ego taking precedence over all other sane emotions.

And then it began.

“You ran down a flight of stairs, jostled past people to tell me THIS? You hardly know me…yet you think passing a cruel comment about me would be absolutely ok? You could have at least kept your opinions to yourself. Tell me, what good would come out of THIS? This is unfair, unacceptable, unjustifiable…”

She had to pause…she was gasping for breath.

The person had a confused...and embarrassed...and apologetic countenance.

“Er…I meant Miss…(pause)…Fortune.

Last time you were here a lot many good things had happened…so…”

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

PS: Such misfortunes…seldom come along.