Proverbial bloopers

1. Live like there is no tomorrow!

Why? …Why? Why? Why would I live like there is no tomorrow when I am pretty sure that there will be a tomorrow? To believe that today is the last day of life is a terrible way of thinking and it is not a good idea to fall for it. Living with zeal and living with prudence are not mutually exclusive.

Amendment: Live every day of your life.

2. When in Rome do as the Romans do

Good lord! Then how would the Romans know about us?

And could any one please tell me why are there so many proverbs revolving around Rome? Admitted that men from Rome are full of poetic grace, admitted that they have some irresistible charm in their eyes, admitted that their exotic features are sculpted to perfection…oh…never mind…just got the answer.

Amendment: When in Rome teach the Romans your way of doing things and learn from them their way.

[I actually have a better amendment but that is not presentable in this blog and I shall share it with my Friends. Romans and Countrymen will have to remain content with the bland version.]

3. No use crying over spilt milk

Really? On the contrary if you do not spend some time crying over spilling the milk and rush out to buy another bottle there is a very good chance of spilling the new bottle too! It is very much necessary to cry over spilt milk before you mop it up.

Amendment: Firstly…do not spill! Secondly, if you have…do NOT be remorseless.

4. A rolling stone gathers no moss

And why exactly is that bad??? I thought a shiny and polished stone is any day better than a warty and moss-covered rock! Some rusty brained wordsmith must have concocted this one up…

Amendment: A stone that is gathering moss should definitely start to roll.

5. The grass is greener on the other side of the court

Since when? The grass has always seemed greener on my side of the court.

Don’t agree? Ok…is there any one in the whole who you would rather be than being yourself? In case you have found yourself answering "yes" to the previous question…think of that one thing/person/quality that you cannot give up…long list eh? That person does not have all those things/people/qualities!

Amendment: The grass is fine on our side of the court…let us leave it alone and add more plants and flowers.

6. The darkest hour is nearest to dawn

When you are going through a dark hour there is no way to tell whether it is the darkest hour or if it would get even darker. So instead of counting on baseless assumptions get real.

Amendment: If the hours are getting dark invest in some chandeliers.

7. If you play with fire sooner or later you are gonna get burnt

So what am I supposed to do? Watch from a distance and wonder what it is like to play with fire? Or listen with wide eyed amazement to the stories of someone who had the guts to tryst with fire?

Amendment: Someone who has played with fire would know…that if playing with fire is fun…getting burnt is bliss…

Grave notes? Hmmm…that has never done any good to any body...ever! So let us end today’s discussion with a figment of my absurd interpretation…

8. One man’s meat is another man’s poison

When I first came across this one I had felt very good. Indeed…as one human being we should never feast on another fellow human being’s flesh. We should avoid it like poison. My sister had given me a disgusted look and uttered the word “Cannibal” when I had told her this and after a while had explained the accepted meaning to me.

Decades have passed and I still wonder why my way is not accepted.

Amendment: None to offer…I just wish more people would consider my way of looking at the proverb.

Chronic problems

We are all people affected with severe mental problems.

We like each other when the sets of our afflictions are intersecting.

We call each other names (rarely aloud) and head separate ways when the sets are disjoint.

Let us look into some today...I will follow the ladies first rule.

(Why do I support ladies first policy? Topic for some other day...till then do not offer the shallow reason of "because you are one.")

List for women:

The mirror-mirror-on-the-wall syndrome:

Put 5 pretty girls in a room...give them a thousand interesting activities to do. While they are on the apparently interesting jobs they are actually quantifying the beauty of each other...feature by feature...attribute by attribute...in so detailed an analysis that would put the analytical powers of Barney Stinson to shame.

All pretty girls suffer from this.

The Rapunzel syndrome:

A haircut can never be perfect. No matter how many compliments (and covert stares and some blatant stares) she gets... when she hits the bed at night she is bound to shed a few drops of tears in the memory of the lost length.

Most girls suffer from this.

[Rapunzel's prince climbed up her hair to reach her instead of asking her to jump to the safe refuge of his arms... which brings us to the very disturbing conclusion that either Rapunzel was fat or the prince was underweight or both. ]

The Beauty-and-the-beast-remains-beast syndrome:

“Don’t die beast...I love you” And the beast turns into a charming prince in the arms of blushing Beauty and they live happily ever after. But wait...what if the beast did not transform? Beauty did not know that he was a cursed prince when she implored him to live and professed her love for him. Of course Beauty did want the beast to live...no doubt in that part. So what would she have done if the beast continued to look like a beast? Very simple damage control strategy to be adopted. She would have added 3 more words after “I love you”....which are “as a brother”.

All girls suffer from this.

List for men:

The Superman syndrome:

Obsession with speed. Slow and steady could give a hollow win but fast and reckless would make the journey more interesting and only a win that way would be a satiating.

Men high on adrenaline suffer from this.

I’m-Atlas-when-I-play-syndrome:

Men are ready to shoulder unthinkable responsibilities when it comes to sports! Whenever they play they change to Lionel Messi or Kaka or Tendulkar or Federer or Nadal...you get it...the match winner. Funnily no man ever thinks himself to be an Italian defender while playing which is understandable because men love to go after what is yet to be conquered rather than protecting what already belongs to them!

Most men suffer from this.

The Eve-came-from-Adam’s-rib syndrome:

Men can’t stand losing to a woman. Yes if the man is insanely in love with a woman then he might but that is an “I let her win” kind of situation so it doesn’t count. What if a woman wins fair and square? It is ok only if the win comes in something that is considered a woman’s job...like...(no I’m not going to give any example...if a feminist stumbles here I would be dead.)

All men suffer from this.

The world is an asylum...life is the course of rehabilitation...we seldom give up old syndromes...but pick up new ones with overwhelming alacrity...may be falling ill is better than both prevention and cure.

PS: Ever wondered why there is there no word called masculinist?

Ponder ponder...