Elections

Why can’t I just cast my vote online?

Let's just create a website...we already are in the process of generating the Indian equivalent of social security numbers…so we can get the databases from Nandan, generate one-time-only passwords and enable the online voting process. So smooth and so elegant.

Lousy idea??? Ok…let’s try it once…and let's start from the ward where I am supposed to exercise my voting right. (Is it a right? Is it a responsibility? Is it a headache? Who can tell...)

No…instead I have to stand in the unrelenting sun (I absolutely loathe the tropical sun.) in an endless queue and wait for my turn to feel insignificant. (I do not suffer from megalomania but I would to like to take a decision that has a weightage significantly more than one billionth).

Do you know what is the worst part about the elections?

Unrest? No.

Violence? No.

Rigging? No.

Bad decisions? No.

Worse traffic? No.

It’s the ink that they dab on your finger.

Let me share a trick that I use (learnt from someone whose name is better kept confidential at the moment).

Plan: Put lots of nail polish on your fingernail of a transparent shade and you are ready to vote.

Flaw in the plan: They pour too much of that indelible ink on your finger…it drips and colours the skin under your nail. Just imagine…no… just think (we cannot imagine…for reference check this) how mortifying it is to walk around with a dirty nail for months.

Correction incorporated...

Flawless plan: Dip the whole fingertip in transparent nail paint (and let it dry) and brave the ugly ink.

A little bit of nail paint remover afterwards and you get back your clean finger.

Every one is welcome to try this out the next time you vote (which means tomorrow for some people). Men included. (Just call me when you are painting your nail…I want to take a picture.)

PS: I know I could go to jail for writing this and you…well…you could go to hell for breaking my trust and turning me in.

Jinxing...

We are still glowing from the empathic win in the World Cup. Have you ever thought about the pains every one has willingly embraced to script this?

Earlier I have seen people sit in a particular chair or hold a particularly weird pose to influence wins but this time it had reached epic proportions.

One guy had stepped out of his home to shoo away an errant cat (The error here being trespassing into the guy’s house without prior permission) and India had to hit a boundary at that unfortunate (unfortunate for the guy) moment. He had to spend the rest of the match sitting outside listening to the over zealous commentary.

Another guy had chosen to take a loo break during another twist (positive twist) and his wife made him stay there for the entire match. (Whew! Some wife…)

Well…they do not mind their sacrifices…they did it for a cause!

I personally do not believe in jinxes. I do wear blue when Italy plays (soccer) but that is just to show my support. (And given the current form of the Italian team even Berlusconi himself would not be able to jinx them into a win.)

My personal favourite jinx is the one from the chronicles of Narnia…something good happens when you stop expecting it to happen. But even that has turned out to be wrong on a number of occasions and with immense faith in statistics I have stopped believing in that one too.

And during the World Cup I had tried reverse jinxing on all my friends. It’s good that India has ultimately won…else I would have long been identified as the root cause of India’s dubious defeat (trust me no body would have accepted it as a clean match) and would have been cremated and my soul would have been resting in peace or rotting in hell (I do not fancy any of the options…and no…I do not encourage you to suggest one).

We come and we go…in between we can only have whatever is there for us…not a bite less…not a bite more. If it is chocolate ice-cream for you no amount of jinxing would get you vanilla. But do not start to crib without tasting the chocolate ice-cream…some times destiny is a better writer than you yourself.

PS: Some people are abstaining from watching KKR matches trying to influence wins and supposedly if you write about it…the spell would not work! Looks like my days are numbered...