Today at first I shall share an incident that had happened long, long ago…at a time that seems like ancient history to me now.
A dear friend of mine was insanely in love (or so she thought) with a ‘wine’ type of guy. (Read “Types of men” to know what a ‘wine’ type of guy is)
One fine day…
My friend: Do you think he likes me?
Me: I don’t know…it’s really hard to tell.
( I actually thought that the guy wasn’t even remotely interested in her but saying that in her face was not very appropriate…honestly I took him to be her passing fancy…turns out I was wrong…very wrong.)
A month later…
My friend: Introduce me to him.
Me: What? But how would I do it? I don’t know him myself.
My friend: You have to find out a way.
Me: All right. I’ll try. But I hear that this guy is a serial heart breaker.
My friend: Stop it...I won’t hear anything against him. Just do this for me as a favour.
I used my reliable connections but could not arrange an episode of casual introduction.
Me: I’m sorry…I can’t pull this off without making you look desperate.
My friend: I don’t care…just give him a hint or something like that.
I used my reliable connections again and got to know that I had been right all along. This guy was not interested in my friend but he wouldn’t mind adding one more ‘victim’ to his list. So that explains his sending silent misleading signals to my friend.
My friend: What did he say?
(I had a long chat with her and told her that this guy was leading her into a trap.)
A month of depression…
2 months later…
Me: What??? Don’t!
After an hour of the most intensive and grueling session of bargaining we decided that she would mail him instead of telling him on the way to school.
[Pointers…she meant to tell him about her feelings during the rush hour near Swinhoe street…when the rest of the school would be there as well (on their way to school). You would realise how important it was to prevent her from making an ugly scene in front of almost the whole world…in the school days school happens to be the world for us…most of us.]
So after 2 more hours…
My friend: Listen to this… This is the exact mail that I’m going to send him.
[I sadly listened to her rantings.]
Me: Ok…
Next day…
My friend: (sobbing vehemently) He replied that… (some very cruel and utterly humiliating words which I would not repeat here.)
I started to bash him up and told her how she deserved a much better guy and all those clichéd consolations which never work…but after sometime had nothing to do but lend my shoulders for her to cry on.
This was a random example. The advice does not necessarily have to be along similar lines. It can be advice about love life, about career, about which haircut to sport, about which present to gift, about which storybook to read next, about how to kill (never happened to me…just suggesting)…
You must have come across such situations too. People ask for your advice and seemingly your (fully solicited) advice is panacea to them.
In the beginning (sorry for lifting the opening line of the Bible) it felt great to know you can help someone out. But now each time someone asks me to advise them I feel wary. The truth is that they are asking for your opinion and not advice. And don’t feel hurt and responsible when you see a loved one ignoring your advice and choosing their doom. You had never been given the power to protect them or to guide them to serendipity…accept it.
So do they not value you at all?
No! You have a very important role to play…read on…
Few days back I was asking for some trivial advice (yet of supreme importance to me) from ma.
Me: Ma, should I wear the beige outfit or the royal blue outfit?
Case 1-
Ma: The beige one.
My reaction: No…why didn’t she select the blue one…
Case 2-
Ma: The blue one.
My reaction: Good! So that settles it.
In my subconscious I was all along aware of which dress I wanted to wear.
Ma’s advice helped me to get in touch with my own wish.
The reins of our lives are always in our hands. Nobody is that confused (ever) that they would need to employ the service of another person to figure a way out of any dilemma.
At the end of the day people will believe what they want to believe, people will do what they want to do… When someone asks for advice our real job is to help them find out what they want to do.
asadharan.. as usual.. simple yet apt.. u know i got this sms once from my sis which said - 'when u face choices, just toss a coin, not coz it settles the question but while the coin is in the air u'll know what ur heart is hoping for'.. :) souvik
ReplyDeleteTotally disagreed. When someone asks us for advice, we should be blunt and outright honest. It might cost us the friendship and surely the advice will not be heeded to but in time all realizes. Even if you are proved wrong, it does not matter. At some point they will know that you will only speak the truth and that they had at least one 'friend' in their lifetime.
ReplyDeleteOn a serious note, when someone asks for advice just ask them to get lost!
Souvik…thanks for sharing the nice sms. :)
ReplyDeleteSpiderman…when did I say we mustn’t be honest when we advise?
ReplyDeleteI just said although we seemingly ask for advice yet deep down (at some level) we already have made our decisions.
"When someone asks for advice our real job is to help them find out what they want to do" - if that is contrary to what your opinion is, then would you call it honesty ?
ReplyDeletefantabulous....the pivotal point is...amra nijeder bichar kori amader nijeder mon diye...maane amader akta moner choto portion kei boshai bicharoker ashone baki montaake bichar korar jonne...tai akta confusion obochetone create hoy...tai amra onno akta mon ke khuji je amar moner kotha taake echo kore amake strength debe....
ReplyDeleteEkdom thik bolechhish Arka.
ReplyDeleteWith due respect, I would like to differ with you towards the end of your post when you said "Nobody is that confused (ever) that they would need to employ the service of another person to figure a way out of any dilemma."
ReplyDeleteI agree that sometime people just ask for advice so that their confidence get boosted that they have got one more support to what they have already decided, but at times people are really confused and they need real advice.
While giving advice to my best of friends, i am as blunt as possible. But if it is just another "friend" or someone else, it's my responsibility to find out what that person is really looking for. I don't believe in unnecessarily speaking the truth, when the other person is hardly expecting it.And there is no point getting hurt, if my advice is not accepted.
Before giving advice, my all time disclaimer "This is my personal opinion, you should not copy it as a whole, rather just listen to it and i would expect you to take your own decision at the end, because it is your life"!!
Hmm...may be you are right. However I've always felt this way.
ReplyDelete