Violent threats of Bengali mothers

If you are a Bengali or at least if your mom is Bengali you would know what I am talking about. Disciplining the kids is a routine that every mother has to perform all across the world and despite their wish to refrain from reprimanding the child they need to do it once in a while. But Bengali mothers take this disciplining-the-kid business to a whole new level.

Some common threats (all collected from real experiences)

1. Aj tor pa/haat bhenge debo

 Translates to “Today I will break your legs/hands.”

2. Mere rokto ber kore debo

 Translates to “I’ll punch you till you bleed.”

3. Ei lathi-ta tor pithe bhangbo

 Translates to “I’ll break this rod on your back.”

4. Tule achhar marbo

 Translates to “I’ll pick you up and smash you down to the ground.”

5. Chabke chhal chhariye debo

 Translates to “I’ll whip you and skin you.”

6. Matha phatiye debo

 Translates to “I’ll break your head”

7. Kaan tene chhire debo

 Translates to “I’ll box your ears and rip them off.”

All the threats are replete with promises of gory violence. It’s not that the kids are born with tendencies of destruction in this part of the world…nor are the mothers particularly cruel is this part of the world…but the mothers just love to use sanguine threats to scare the errant child.

I often interrupted my mommy while she was fervently hurling threats at me with requests for clarification. She often used the fourth threat on the list and I responded with “Smash me down? From what height?” or “But you never really pick me up…I think I’d like that.” Her reactions ranged from instant nullification of anger to instant conversion of anger to blind rage.

Mothers never can implement such threats on their kids…they know it, the indulgent fathers know it, even the kids know it. Then why do they dish out threats they don’t intend to carry out?

Actually in a subtle and sure way a lesson has been handed down for generations…limit the animal in you to the realm of anticipation and imagination and express only the delicate nurturer in you to the real world.  

The false need

Some people are obsessed with money, some attach optimum importance to money but most people in this world are in dire need of money. It’s a harsh truth…we live in an unequal world where for most people life is a struggle for existence and they are denied the right to appreciate the finer aspects of life.

In an ideal society there would have been no need for money at all.

The chef would cook food, the software engineer would write codes and the actor would act in movies only because the work pleases them. And when we do something from our hearts we want the rest of the world to experience and enjoy our services. In such a social structure every one would do the prevalent jobs but jobs would no longer be jobs…they would be hobbies. No one would work for money…they would work for satisfaction. Every one can contribute to the general well being of the society by doing what they want to do and not what they are forced to do. In such a structure money would be totally useless and can be eliminated from life.

Money is the first evil that we know in our lives. Children have a very pure way of thinking and they can treat money the way it is supposed to be treated…rectangular pieces of paper. But gradually the rich kid gets a false sense of power and the slum kid gets a socially injected sense of inferiority complex and their pristine minds are damaged for the rest of their lives.

In mythology we read about demons and how they perform penance to attain the coveted boon of immortality and then how the gods exploit the loopholes in the granted boon to eventually exterminate the demon. It’s a pity that even though money has been one immortal demon destroying us for centuries we still fail to eradicate it from our society. May be some day in future in place of Durga killing Mahishasur we will get to see society exterminating money…that would be a good cause for celebration…that would take us one step closer to an egalitarian society. But alas…this is a hope which will probably never come true…

Problems and solutions

There are two types of problems in this world:
1. Apparent
2. Latent

Apparent problems

These problems need to be resolved or you die.

Eg. Hunger, breathing: If you stop these activities you would die. So even if the food does not suit your gustatory sensations you will have to eat. Even if the pollution laden air harms your lungs you need to breathe. So it’s not always a matter of choice. Solving an apparent problem is thus a compulsion not an option.

Latent problems

These problems if left unresolved would not kill you.

Eg. Love life: Human beings have the inherent need to love and be loved. But a person would not die if their love life is non-existent. And since it’s not a life threatening situation they might choose to remain single and thus wrongly earning the distinction of being a commitment-phobic person. But since it’s not a matter of compulsion people should not run into the arms of people based on availability. Rather they should wait till the right one comes along.

A problem remains difficult only until you stumble upon the solution...

A person remains commitment phobic only until he/she comes across the right one...

Introducing some class to cuss...

The world is a bad place and we all know it. There would be situations where you would want to curse and yet in elite circles that might not be a prudent thing to do.

 Bengalees realized this problem a long time back...and used their love for subtlety to incorporate curses into the languages.

Let me get to the point with one particular incident.

Place: Not West Bengal.

My friend: Not conversant in Bengali.

Incident: Teacher gives us a cumbersome assignment.

My reaction: “Ye to bamboo ho gaya!”

I found my friend looking at me with a confused expression. I understood that “bamboo” does not have a similar connotation in Hindi as it does in Bengali. I explained to her that it meant we are in a soup.

She asked: But why is it a bamboo?

And I realized the sinister meaning cleverly hidden behind the nondescript bamboo.

It signifies a profanity. “A bamboo up your ass”...shortened to the unassuming bamboo.

Some more everyday phrases for you:


 Pechhone laga: This means teasing...all types...from harmless joking to obnoxious  potshots.

Literal meaning is again a very impolite “bugging your ass”

Merechhe re:  The polished and apparent meaning is “We’re in trouble”

Literal meaning is “We’re screwed”...it’s actually short form of “G*** merechhe”

Fatiye diyechho: Meaning awesome...explosive. But what explodes in the literal meaning? Of course...the ass.

Chutiye adda deoa: Apparent meaning is unbridled fun. And I don’t think I need to explain the literal meaning. :P

All the phrases given here are ubiquitously used by men, women and children from all strata of the Bengali society and believe me there is no obscenity associated with these phrases.

But of course “gali” is a part of Bengali...we reserve the right to curse as and when we please...but we also do it as sweetly as possible. Winks! 

Once in a lifetime...

“This job is once in a lifetime career opportunity”, “That vacation was once in a lifetime experience”, ”We fall in love once in a lifetime ”...if you start to count you’ll see that you’ve used “once in a lifetime” definitely more than once in your life... [and the good news is that your life is not over yet.]

The nectar of such an experience lies not in its uniqueness. You stumble upon such moments several times...[or may be the moments stumble upon you!]

Its beauty is manifested in how it blinds all your past experiences into oblivion and lifts your spirits to a seemingly unattainable high. The bliss that you feel in every “once in a lifetime” experience successfully spins a web of illusion that convinces you about its uniqueness.

Let’s hope for a life that would give us more and more chances to overuse this phrase.

After all what is life but a heady concoction of dreams???

God of the moment

Important disclaimer: The intent of this post is not to disrespect any faith and I completely absolve myself of any responsibility to soothe the frayed of nerves of the people who might feel agitated by it.

Now that I have ensured that no frustrated fanatic can use this post as an excuse to whet their appetite for blood let me proceed with what I wanted to say.

What is the definition of God?

God is someone whom you look up to for protection in a situation which you cannot salvage on your own.

[Although I feel that god can also be defined as the most widely used excuse to bring about catastrophic destruction.]

Anyway...

In life we often come across such crises and who do we ask for help?

I need to eat...but I’m 2 months old.

I need a few more runs to break a record...but my knee is hurt and I can’t run.

I’m in a building that’s on fire...but the exits are blocked.

... ... ...

Yes...we go through such situations every day and we succeed to survive with help from the god of the moment. Sometimes we thank them...sometimes we don’t even acknowledge their importance. Sometimes we are mesmerized by the god of the moment...sometimes we blame them out of confusion.

We often believe that God is omnipotent not to elevate Him to the glorified status but because that way we only need to show gratitude to God and we are done. But gods of the moments...they are often as vulnerable as us. And just showing gratitude would not be enough. We also need to ensure that if and when that person is stuck somewhere we would try our best to be the god of his/her moment. On the contrary we do not have a moral obligation to be there for a God that is omnipotent.

It would indeed be a better world if we could confer gods of the moments an equal status and try to worship Them in the correct way...that is by helping Them in Their hour of need or by emulating Them when others are in need.

Cheapness

We will talk about a particularly cheap person today...literally cheap...not figuratively.

This miser keeps a timepiece handy while making calls. The calls will always end at x minutes 59 seconds. Did you say long distance calls? No...this rule applies for all calls. The justification given is he is utilizing every bit of money that he has paid for the service. When the pay per second pulse had been introduced this person was largely benefitted and could make calls without the distraction of frequent glances at the watch. But then unfortunately the rate went up to 1.2p/sec from 1p/sec and after an elaborate comparison between the running promotional offers the person had to go back to his paranoid policy.

This miser also tries to fall ill when his medicines approach their expiry date. Again the logic is he needs to put the products purchased into proper use.

The perplexing part is that it is hard to justify his frugal behaviour.

This person does not have any monetary woes and has no overt need to save every penny that he can.

There are some people who save every to support some social cause. This person does not have any such inclination either.

Then there is one type of misers who would live like a king on other people’s money but would never spend a dime on others. But this person does not like to sponge off other people. Then what is it?

Cheapness you see...is a hobby for some people.

Some live to earn money, some live to spend money...these people live to optimize spent money.